i don't know how to describe it. I wake up every single morning, and the best part of my day is the three seconds when i open my eyes and cannot feel. i fall asleep at night, for a minimal amount of time, but my brain does not. it races around trying to find reasons to smile, trying to find feelings that i don't remember how to feel. these things pollute my dreams, so i can't escape even in my own sleep. i can't help but let the tears escape, because the anger wells up so badly i can't breathe. i can't imagine the feelings some peoples eyes show through when they smile. i'm forever jealous of these people who have been allowed such a gift, but don't realise how powerful and wonderful it is, and how sought after by so many. it makes my eyes well with anger once again.

so..

so what do we really know anymore?
what are we sure of?
what is certain when life passes you by in a whirl wind of confusion?
we are left vacant and empty.
we live lives full of hypocrisy.
people constantly are un decisive upon what they want, who they are.
i cannot stand the generation in which we live in.
people contradicting standards on a daily basis.
take me away from this constant bullshit.
i don't know my reaction as yet,
because i don't really know what to say at all.
when i'm told ten thousand different things are right and wrong.
what do i do?
i'm lost within the walls of this world..

I can't face it. so why not ignore it? cause i can't. try you say? you put yourself on this point and see if the edge cuts you in half. i don't know how, but i still face this ugly truth. i am trying to be strong, masking what utterly takes over, consuming everything around me, swallowing my smile and my footsteps, unable to keep moving and pretending anymore.take a breath. a thought. a day off. a week alone. but even whilst i'm alone, it still clouds my everything, like an angry storm. it begins to rain. i yell and scream at the sky but this makes no difference. infact, it makes the rain pour harder, angrier, full of revenge. i let it take me eventually. i lay down and close myself from reality. the rain pouring like nails onto my skin seem so distant. i let myself float from the ground and dream. somewhere far far away i hear my mother's cries. i feel my father's arms scooping me up. my mother's soft voice is now cooing to me. enclosed into safety with a blanket of lies and false promise, they tell me more bullshit, that trashes my mind with more races to begin at night when i'm trying to shut off. they tell me you were here. they tell me a message, that you whispered in my ear that i was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay.next i'm cold on the bathroom floor. but the cold is not unsettling, it's comforting. as i drag along, this sense of warmth floods my body. my memories swim across my eyes. not memories of my first steps, or my first day at school. not my first birthday, my first swimming lesson, or the first time i rode my bicycle without training wheels. not even my first party, my first kiss, my first day of highschool.no..the memories that swim across my eyes are the times you held me when i cried. the times we talked aimlessly; not knowing. the times we kissed so countlessly, loosing time forever. the times i cuddled up to you with the wind and rain roaring outside and you'd whisper in my ear that you loved me before you drifted into oblivion.see, all your first's may matter, but not nearly as much as your first love; the first time you've been in love, shared and made promises to somebody that you knew you could keep.as i lay there, watching the motion picture of my life set out upon me, i realised. you were my life, thus i was nothing to you.i let go of these weak and slow breaths, let memories fade into white light, let go of this supposedly beautiful earth, which turned it's back on me, knowing one thing; you were almost the death of me.

written 3/8/09

Silver ribbons slither through the pale. like kisses from the wrong edge, it stings and it burns. it bites with it's ice cold teeth, stealing the life from your eyes. it devours you. it captures your heart, winding and twisting into an addiction. it runs down the softness, eating away at the yellow in your reality. taking no time for you to breathe, it jumps down your throat with its ideas, it takes over everything really. the only thing that understands it is it's alias. the only people who understand it are it's victims. the only way to shut is off is to turn yor back and walk away. but it still chases you down the hall and creeps around your shoulder choking you again and again.

yupyup.

The energy is drained.we are heavy with exaustion, hurt, burden.our eyes brush the bottom, yet our minds fly into unknown depths.we feel the sting, the burn. the rush,and as we do so, we relax ourselves knowing we may accomplish rest in the eyes of the dead.we, may be carried away to peace; our anxieties resting upon the shoudlers of the grieving.but no; we carry on like wounded soldiers, bearing the heavy, undecided world in our hearts.turning each corner with uneasiness, unsure once again of what lies before us.but we would turn back with ease, to re-start the clock and soak in the raw emotion we once missed.but it is too late. i lay myself down in this bed of regret, without your comfort wrapping my insecurities.i can imagine, yet not for much longer.i let this sink in and chill my bones.why can't i have this once more?

i remember

this time in my life when things were great. when i was happy. maybe time is trying to make me pay for the time i took from the world with this permanent smile on my face.because ever since then, nothing compares.everything may not have been perfect, but it was close.i can still remember frames of a day that i look back to when the clouds are lingering over my head. i wish i'd appreciated that time more,because now it's gone.and i can't go back and cherish the fact that i was with the people i love most, and we were all happy and having fun and smiling and we were all still close. we sat out there until it was cold and dark, talking and laughing and you were there. you.making sure i was okay.and when you asked if was okay, i shoudl have replied, "no, because i know today will end", but if i'd known things were going to change, i would have crawled into this hole alot earlier.time, where did you go? what did you do? and most importantly, what did i do to deserve this?

sour.

i've tried. you are the smile.
i've tried to give up.
trust me.
you are love to me.
the devine sweetness that rolls off my tongue tasting ever so sour.
forgive me,
i haven't forgotten.
forget me,
i haven't forgiven.
the wounds haven't healed.
my words stay concealed.
leave me.
take me.
break me.

you, again.

suck the life out of me. you have before.
you destroyed me, took my breath and my blood and my heart.
ripped through the difference between life and dreaming, and rebuilt a wall of destruction, between my heart and my mind.
just take me, and hang me up.
tie your lies through the hole in my heart, that you left there.
dry my tears with false promise again and again.
kiss the deceit that lingers on my lips.
just use me, until there's nothing left.
cause that means i get to brush your ice cold heart once more.
cause that means i get to hold your roughened hands once more.
cause that means i get to hear your sour words once more.
i would go through a life time of pain, just for one more chance.
but no, sacrifice is irrelivant to you.
so just tear down my hope, my heart, my life.
you have before.

I hadn't spoken; i hadn't breathed.
i hadn't laughed, smiled, or pretended.
but today i saw you again.
and fuck i hate the way you're the only one who makes me better.
i hate the control you have.
i wish you didn't, but i can't help it.
i wish i could hate you, forget you, leave you forever.
but it still remains.
forever inscribed in this skin of mine.

Un-poetic me.

Today i couldn't breathe. i looked at you and decided to imagine that place. my vision was fogged with confusion and i kept my heart in the past.
oh, why can i not forget. memories make the room spin with discontent, as we are now in the present; a gift with a crappy return policy.
I still see the light that was reflected into my eyes. the smile that was returned in an instant.

Your eyes will never read the words that i pour out of my mind. because you simply would not care to realise that when my eyes meet with yours, i look away because i cannot stand to see the eyes that onced loved my mere flaws an imperfections. i look away because i cannot stand to see the smile that once was my doing. i look away because i see the change in you that nobody knows.

you simply would not care to realise that when i see you walking towards me, i go quite shy; something only you can do. i try to ignore the fact your blood runs through your veins so close to mine as you stand there, completly oblivious.

you simply would not care to realise that when i hear your voice, i wince because it reminds me of three words you once verbalised, that will never part your lips towards me ever again.

you simply would not care to realise that i bite my tongue when you say certain things, because sometimes i want to scream so many things right in your face; but what's the point? even if i did, you probably wouldn't hear me.

You simply would not care to realise that you are the most important thing that was ever touch my hands, spoke into my ears, looked into my eyes, or held my broken soul.

You won't realise that i would try to give you my world, give you what ever you wanted just to see your smile.

You won't give me another chance, because in your eyes i don't deserve it.

but tell me something?; answer me some questions?
what did i do wrong? what changed? do you still remember the way we were? do you still have all the same memories? do you remember feelings?words spoken?time taken?

and most importantly; you don't want my heart, so why won't you give it back? cause i kinda need it to live, and all you're doing is bruising it. dropping it. hurting it. crushing it. leaving it out in the rain. leaving it in the cold. whereas, you used to keep it safe. tucked away right next to your own.
i would appreciate if you placed my heart back into my chest; it should be easy seeing as the hole is still there where you ripped it out.

yes

Fucking stop feeding me your narrow minded bullshit, because it tastes like shit and im sick to death of your pointless fucked up thoughts about me, when you don't even know me. You take one look and you think you have me figured out. You think from looking at me you know who I am. You can't see inside my mind. 'Beauty' is the most fucked up thing on this planet. But I'm NOT sorry that I don't have ribs that stick out and a flat chest and a small ass. Your idealistic veiws on the world are fucked. So don't bother, if you're just going to abuse me. I can't be bothered anymore. I know who I am in this world, and if you don't want to know me, that's fine, just don't waste your time trying to get to me.

Don't fucking steal this.

so what were you aiming to acheive? do you want me to hurt? do you want me to bleed? do you want me to close my eyes and pretend that i can't see? cause i don't know what you want from me, but i can't wait around forever.

love just blinds me to every single flaw. i just miss the safe feeling you once gave me.

so wrap me in your arms again, one last time. just one more time. just one last night.

you hold my life in the palm of your hands,
you drop it every single day.
i thought you'd pass it back but you have much more fun loosing it, loosing it.
in the blink of an eye,
you'd watch me lay here to die
i'd be out of your way, out of your way.

and i'd leave you alone, but you'd keep rubbing it in, in, into my wounds.
and i'd turn away, only to find you'd thrown a knife in my side.

love just blinds me to every single word. i just miss the way you said every word.

so whisper in my ear again, one last time. just one more time. one last night.

you hold my heart in the palm of your hands,
you drop it every single day.
i thought you'd pass it back but you have much more fun loosing it, loosing it.
and in a night of need,
you'd watch me lay here to bleed,
i'd be out of your way, out of your way.

so whisper in my ear again, one last time.
so take me in your arms, one last time.
so lie to my face, one last time.
just tel me you love me, one last time.

this is what you did to me

I can't face it. so why not ignore it? cause i can't. try you say? you put yourself on this point and see if the edge cuts you in half. i don't know how, but i still face this ugly truth. i am trying to be strong, masking what utterly takes over, consuming everything around me, swallowing my smile and my footsteps, unable to keep moving and pretending anymore.

take a breath. a thought. a day off. a week alone. but even whilst i'm alone, it still clouds my everything, like an angry storm. it begins to rain. i yell and scream at the sky but this makes no difference. infact, it makes the rain pour harder, angrier, full of revenge. i let it take me eventually. i lay down and close myself from reality. the rain pouring like nails onto my skin seem so distant. i let myself float from the ground and dream. somewhere far far away i hear my mother's cries. i feel my father's arms scooping me up. my mother's soft voice is now cooing to me.

enclosed into safety with a blanket of lies and false promise, they tell me more bullshit, that trashes my mind with more races to begin at night when i'm trying to shut off. they tell me you were here. they tell me a message, that you whispered in my ear that i was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay.

next i'm cold on the bathroom floor. but the cold is not unsettling, it's comforting. as i drag along, this sense of warmth floods my body. my memories swim across my eyes. not memories of my first steps, or my first day at school. not my first birthday, my first swimming lesson, or the first time i rode my bicycle without training wheels. not even my first party, my first kiss, my first day of highschool.
no..the memories that swim across my eyes are the times you held me when i cried. the times we talked aimlessly; not knowing. the times we kissed so countlessly, loosing time forever. the times i cuddled up to you with the wind and rain roaring outside and you'd whisper in my ear that you loved me before you drifted into oblivion.
see, all your first's may matter, but not nearly as much as your first love; the first time you've been in love, shared and made promises to somebody that you knew you could keep.as i lay there, watching the motion picture of my life set out upon me, i realised. you were my life, thus i was nothing to you.i let go of these weak and slow breaths, let memories fade into white light, let go of this supposedly beautiful earth, which turned it's back on me, knowing one thing; you were almost the death of me

Hard to believe right?

He turned to me and said, you have the most beautiful smile; i love the way your fears shine in your eyes as smoke whispers out of your lips; i love the way you can see a spark of happiness on your face, even on the darkest days; i love the way you try to smile when something is stealing your smile; i love the way you let that one person walk all over you despite everthing because it shows your true loyalty; i love the way you bite your lip when you have a million things to say and you try to stop them rushing out in a blur of emotion; i love the way when you tears roll down you cheeks, you still say you're okay because you trying to be strong; i love the way how when you cuddle up to me and sigh, you breath dances across my neck and gives me shivers; i love the way when i wake up to you sleeping, you look so broken, yet peaceful; i love the way you've picked yourself up and kept going, even though i can hear your heart breaking. to be quite simple, he said, i utterly love every little imperfection. he breathed and look into my eyes and spoke right from his heart, saying, for it is not your beauty that shines from the inside out, your smile that take the breath out of me, the way you make my soul dance with laughter, the way you make me smile with the cute little things you do, like trying to hide from me in the morning because you are convinced you are hideous upon wakening, or not the way that you are like no other, you are yourself. not the way you are down to earth, caring and the most loving person i've ever known. it is your web of imperfections that i love and adore. because that is what makes you so god damn beautiful.

seems like a distant fairy tale now..

When she first saw him, she was blown away. Not by the fact that his eyes froze time, that his smile was the most beautiful, or that he was the closest thing to perfection she'd ever laid eyes upon, but the fact he was looking at her. and when he spoke to her, his voice as soft as anything, he meant the words he said. he was true and honest and ever so beautiful.
then, beyond what she thought was possible, it got even better. why you ask?
as they were sitting in the middle of that wintery day, he reached across the table and held her hands. they were instantly warm. her whole body was. she barely knew him and she already knew she could love him.
he held her at night when her tears fell, he suprised her with her favourite flowers, he knew whenever she was upset, and kissed her until she was okay.
and she knew this would all end one day, she wasn't naiive. she just didn't see him fading anytime soon.
and then, distance took him away from her.
she's left empty.
she still thinks about him.
everyday, infact.
she just wishes right now that she could reach out and hold him and never let go.
but she has lost him.

to be perfectly honest.

i forgot what i was going to write today.

R.

I see you. you are in the corner of my eye. looking from time to time to make sure i'm okay. I see you, taunting me. teasing me. letting me know you exist but not letting me into your heart. i see those beautiful eyes staring at my skin, making it crawl with goosebumps. why must you be so far away? your lips are miles from mine, yet i know you want them to brush yours. yet, we've become lost in seperate worlds. knowing of eachother's existence, yet slowly letting it fade. Love was but a memory for you and I. i let you be my secret. none of the new souls i befriend know of your existence. they barely notice that your name parts my lips, if not by accident. i let it float away. where are you? what are you doing? when you feel like giving up do you think of me? when you see people who smile into each others eyes do i cross your mind? or am i cloudy memory that could've become life itself?

After everything I did for you, you and you.

Is this how you repay me? I stood by you. Yes, i left your side for a few weeks, but i admitted wrong. i made up for my mistakes. i fixed it. we fixed it. but not now. no, loyalty means nothing to you. do i even mean a thing? it doesn't feel like it. you say you love me. but who am i to beleive anymore? you'd rather be with him. wouldn't you? all i ever wanted was a friend in you. i never expected you to buy me gifts, have lunch with me, or coffee, or go shopping with me, or anything close. i just wanted a shoulder, an ear, a loyal, loving person. and i thought i'd found that. oh boy was i wrong? we got close, i got more than expected. and i thought we were inseperable. but that is now broken. it's just another vase that i knocked over with me hopefulness.

and the other you, well why do you do this to me?
this isn't fair at all.

actually can't be bothered trying anymore.
call me a melodramatic emo. i couldn't care less.
I give people my everything, and all i expect is loyalty and honesty.
clearly that's too much to ask for.

exception of M&J

I wish I could hate you

oh god, hating you would be so much easier.
if i hated you, you couldn't hurt me.
if i hated you, i wouldn't care that you turned to see your reflection when i needed you the most.
if i hated you, i wouldn't care that you're happy without me.
there wouldn't be a you in my heart.
there wouldn't be tears for you in my eyes.
there wouldn't be the numbing sense overcoming my body because i know you're no longer needing me to smile for you.
I'm mourning over something that has faded beyond finding.
i'll fold up the memories i have with you and stick them in a box.
that's where you think they belong,
and hey, you're probably not wrong.

I don't miss the kisses as much as I miss smiling.

♥I have far too many thoughts. so i thought i'd write a small amount of them down.I think too much.

People are never how they first appear. Infact, people are like cocoons. when you first meet them, they appear whole, but eventually they morph and grow into something that is unidentifiable to what they first appeared. I have watch everyone and everything around me change.

The people I stood up for, the people i gave my all to; the people who consumed my entire life have all changed. they are all slowly fading into the rush of everyday, ordinary people. Exception of a few. There's this one in particular. I used to think the world of them. They still have my entire heart, but everyday they slowly fade. they're changing, and I don't like it. but in all reality, what is my part in their life anymore? your smile is un-recognisable. However, you are still beautiful. and no matter if I try with all my might, I blind myself to what is inside you. because i refuse to fold to the truth. I want to live in my world. A world which i wish so dearly you were still a part of.

I know you don't wish you were. but i miss you like hell. i miss the old you. and yes, i admit to change also.I wish to be treated as an equal. I'm sick of people looking down their noses at me. I'm sick of judgement. You cannot see into my mind, and little of it that I do display, is often not what you may think of it.I crave something more. some kind of self acceptance. and intervention? perhaps i will awake some day and discover a part of me i've been looking for all these years. I am blessed with the gift of youth. i still have so many years awaiting me. hopefully, i will waste no more time. or very little, trying to discover that part of me. and some strength.You walk on with your life. glancing at people who pass. but really, where is your destination? and are these people who pass, the ones who you turn a blind eye to, people who could have really changed your life? people whoo could have MADE your life. people who could BE your life? yet, you let them slip through your fingers. now you'll never know.i miss so many things. really, this is just a vent. that makes no sense.

and honey, I don't miss the kisses as much as I miss smiling. ♥