this is what you did to me

I can't face it. so why not ignore it? cause i can't. try you say? you put yourself on this point and see if the edge cuts you in half. i don't know how, but i still face this ugly truth. i am trying to be strong, masking what utterly takes over, consuming everything around me, swallowing my smile and my footsteps, unable to keep moving and pretending anymore.

take a breath. a thought. a day off. a week alone. but even whilst i'm alone, it still clouds my everything, like an angry storm. it begins to rain. i yell and scream at the sky but this makes no difference. infact, it makes the rain pour harder, angrier, full of revenge. i let it take me eventually. i lay down and close myself from reality. the rain pouring like nails onto my skin seem so distant. i let myself float from the ground and dream. somewhere far far away i hear my mother's cries. i feel my father's arms scooping me up. my mother's soft voice is now cooing to me.

enclosed into safety with a blanket of lies and false promise, they tell me more bullshit, that trashes my mind with more races to begin at night when i'm trying to shut off. they tell me you were here. they tell me a message, that you whispered in my ear that i was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay.

next i'm cold on the bathroom floor. but the cold is not unsettling, it's comforting. as i drag along, this sense of warmth floods my body. my memories swim across my eyes. not memories of my first steps, or my first day at school. not my first birthday, my first swimming lesson, or the first time i rode my bicycle without training wheels. not even my first party, my first kiss, my first day of highschool.
no..the memories that swim across my eyes are the times you held me when i cried. the times we talked aimlessly; not knowing. the times we kissed so countlessly, loosing time forever. the times i cuddled up to you with the wind and rain roaring outside and you'd whisper in my ear that you loved me before you drifted into oblivion.
see, all your first's may matter, but not nearly as much as your first love; the first time you've been in love, shared and made promises to somebody that you knew you could keep.as i lay there, watching the motion picture of my life set out upon me, i realised. you were my life, thus i was nothing to you.i let go of these weak and slow breaths, let memories fade into white light, let go of this supposedly beautiful earth, which turned it's back on me, knowing one thing; you were almost the death of me