i don't know how to describe it. I wake up every single morning, and the best part of my day is the three seconds when i open my eyes and cannot feel. i fall asleep at night, for a minimal amount of time, but my brain does not. it races around trying to find reasons to smile, trying to find feelings that i don't remember how to feel. these things pollute my dreams, so i can't escape even in my own sleep. i can't help but let the tears escape, because the anger wells up so badly i can't breathe. i can't imagine the feelings some peoples eyes show through when they smile. i'm forever jealous of these people who have been allowed such a gift, but don't realise how powerful and wonderful it is, and how sought after by so many. it makes my eyes well with anger once again.

so..

so what do we really know anymore?
what are we sure of?
what is certain when life passes you by in a whirl wind of confusion?
we are left vacant and empty.
we live lives full of hypocrisy.
people constantly are un decisive upon what they want, who they are.
i cannot stand the generation in which we live in.
people contradicting standards on a daily basis.
take me away from this constant bullshit.
i don't know my reaction as yet,
because i don't really know what to say at all.
when i'm told ten thousand different things are right and wrong.
what do i do?
i'm lost within the walls of this world..

I can't face it. so why not ignore it? cause i can't. try you say? you put yourself on this point and see if the edge cuts you in half. i don't know how, but i still face this ugly truth. i am trying to be strong, masking what utterly takes over, consuming everything around me, swallowing my smile and my footsteps, unable to keep moving and pretending anymore.take a breath. a thought. a day off. a week alone. but even whilst i'm alone, it still clouds my everything, like an angry storm. it begins to rain. i yell and scream at the sky but this makes no difference. infact, it makes the rain pour harder, angrier, full of revenge. i let it take me eventually. i lay down and close myself from reality. the rain pouring like nails onto my skin seem so distant. i let myself float from the ground and dream. somewhere far far away i hear my mother's cries. i feel my father's arms scooping me up. my mother's soft voice is now cooing to me. enclosed into safety with a blanket of lies and false promise, they tell me more bullshit, that trashes my mind with more races to begin at night when i'm trying to shut off. they tell me you were here. they tell me a message, that you whispered in my ear that i was going to be okay, that we were going to be okay.next i'm cold on the bathroom floor. but the cold is not unsettling, it's comforting. as i drag along, this sense of warmth floods my body. my memories swim across my eyes. not memories of my first steps, or my first day at school. not my first birthday, my first swimming lesson, or the first time i rode my bicycle without training wheels. not even my first party, my first kiss, my first day of highschool.no..the memories that swim across my eyes are the times you held me when i cried. the times we talked aimlessly; not knowing. the times we kissed so countlessly, loosing time forever. the times i cuddled up to you with the wind and rain roaring outside and you'd whisper in my ear that you loved me before you drifted into oblivion.see, all your first's may matter, but not nearly as much as your first love; the first time you've been in love, shared and made promises to somebody that you knew you could keep.as i lay there, watching the motion picture of my life set out upon me, i realised. you were my life, thus i was nothing to you.i let go of these weak and slow breaths, let memories fade into white light, let go of this supposedly beautiful earth, which turned it's back on me, knowing one thing; you were almost the death of me.

written 3/8/09

Silver ribbons slither through the pale. like kisses from the wrong edge, it stings and it burns. it bites with it's ice cold teeth, stealing the life from your eyes. it devours you. it captures your heart, winding and twisting into an addiction. it runs down the softness, eating away at the yellow in your reality. taking no time for you to breathe, it jumps down your throat with its ideas, it takes over everything really. the only thing that understands it is it's alias. the only people who understand it are it's victims. the only way to shut is off is to turn yor back and walk away. but it still chases you down the hall and creeps around your shoulder choking you again and again.

yupyup.

The energy is drained.we are heavy with exaustion, hurt, burden.our eyes brush the bottom, yet our minds fly into unknown depths.we feel the sting, the burn. the rush,and as we do so, we relax ourselves knowing we may accomplish rest in the eyes of the dead.we, may be carried away to peace; our anxieties resting upon the shoudlers of the grieving.but no; we carry on like wounded soldiers, bearing the heavy, undecided world in our hearts.turning each corner with uneasiness, unsure once again of what lies before us.but we would turn back with ease, to re-start the clock and soak in the raw emotion we once missed.but it is too late. i lay myself down in this bed of regret, without your comfort wrapping my insecurities.i can imagine, yet not for much longer.i let this sink in and chill my bones.why can't i have this once more?

i remember

this time in my life when things were great. when i was happy. maybe time is trying to make me pay for the time i took from the world with this permanent smile on my face.because ever since then, nothing compares.everything may not have been perfect, but it was close.i can still remember frames of a day that i look back to when the clouds are lingering over my head. i wish i'd appreciated that time more,because now it's gone.and i can't go back and cherish the fact that i was with the people i love most, and we were all happy and having fun and smiling and we were all still close. we sat out there until it was cold and dark, talking and laughing and you were there. you.making sure i was okay.and when you asked if was okay, i shoudl have replied, "no, because i know today will end", but if i'd known things were going to change, i would have crawled into this hole alot earlier.time, where did you go? what did you do? and most importantly, what did i do to deserve this?