seems like a distant fairy tale now..

When she first saw him, she was blown away. Not by the fact that his eyes froze time, that his smile was the most beautiful, or that he was the closest thing to perfection she'd ever laid eyes upon, but the fact he was looking at her. and when he spoke to her, his voice as soft as anything, he meant the words he said. he was true and honest and ever so beautiful.
then, beyond what she thought was possible, it got even better. why you ask?
as they were sitting in the middle of that wintery day, he reached across the table and held her hands. they were instantly warm. her whole body was. she barely knew him and she already knew she could love him.
he held her at night when her tears fell, he suprised her with her favourite flowers, he knew whenever she was upset, and kissed her until she was okay.
and she knew this would all end one day, she wasn't naiive. she just didn't see him fading anytime soon.
and then, distance took him away from her.
she's left empty.
she still thinks about him.
everyday, infact.
she just wishes right now that she could reach out and hold him and never let go.
but she has lost him.

to be perfectly honest.

i forgot what i was going to write today.

R.

I see you. you are in the corner of my eye. looking from time to time to make sure i'm okay. I see you, taunting me. teasing me. letting me know you exist but not letting me into your heart. i see those beautiful eyes staring at my skin, making it crawl with goosebumps. why must you be so far away? your lips are miles from mine, yet i know you want them to brush yours. yet, we've become lost in seperate worlds. knowing of eachother's existence, yet slowly letting it fade. Love was but a memory for you and I. i let you be my secret. none of the new souls i befriend know of your existence. they barely notice that your name parts my lips, if not by accident. i let it float away. where are you? what are you doing? when you feel like giving up do you think of me? when you see people who smile into each others eyes do i cross your mind? or am i cloudy memory that could've become life itself?

After everything I did for you, you and you.

Is this how you repay me? I stood by you. Yes, i left your side for a few weeks, but i admitted wrong. i made up for my mistakes. i fixed it. we fixed it. but not now. no, loyalty means nothing to you. do i even mean a thing? it doesn't feel like it. you say you love me. but who am i to beleive anymore? you'd rather be with him. wouldn't you? all i ever wanted was a friend in you. i never expected you to buy me gifts, have lunch with me, or coffee, or go shopping with me, or anything close. i just wanted a shoulder, an ear, a loyal, loving person. and i thought i'd found that. oh boy was i wrong? we got close, i got more than expected. and i thought we were inseperable. but that is now broken. it's just another vase that i knocked over with me hopefulness.

and the other you, well why do you do this to me?
this isn't fair at all.

actually can't be bothered trying anymore.
call me a melodramatic emo. i couldn't care less.
I give people my everything, and all i expect is loyalty and honesty.
clearly that's too much to ask for.

exception of M&J

I wish I could hate you

oh god, hating you would be so much easier.
if i hated you, you couldn't hurt me.
if i hated you, i wouldn't care that you turned to see your reflection when i needed you the most.
if i hated you, i wouldn't care that you're happy without me.
there wouldn't be a you in my heart.
there wouldn't be tears for you in my eyes.
there wouldn't be the numbing sense overcoming my body because i know you're no longer needing me to smile for you.
I'm mourning over something that has faded beyond finding.
i'll fold up the memories i have with you and stick them in a box.
that's where you think they belong,
and hey, you're probably not wrong.

I don't miss the kisses as much as I miss smiling.

♥I have far too many thoughts. so i thought i'd write a small amount of them down.I think too much.

People are never how they first appear. Infact, people are like cocoons. when you first meet them, they appear whole, but eventually they morph and grow into something that is unidentifiable to what they first appeared. I have watch everyone and everything around me change.

The people I stood up for, the people i gave my all to; the people who consumed my entire life have all changed. they are all slowly fading into the rush of everyday, ordinary people. Exception of a few. There's this one in particular. I used to think the world of them. They still have my entire heart, but everyday they slowly fade. they're changing, and I don't like it. but in all reality, what is my part in their life anymore? your smile is un-recognisable. However, you are still beautiful. and no matter if I try with all my might, I blind myself to what is inside you. because i refuse to fold to the truth. I want to live in my world. A world which i wish so dearly you were still a part of.

I know you don't wish you were. but i miss you like hell. i miss the old you. and yes, i admit to change also.I wish to be treated as an equal. I'm sick of people looking down their noses at me. I'm sick of judgement. You cannot see into my mind, and little of it that I do display, is often not what you may think of it.I crave something more. some kind of self acceptance. and intervention? perhaps i will awake some day and discover a part of me i've been looking for all these years. I am blessed with the gift of youth. i still have so many years awaiting me. hopefully, i will waste no more time. or very little, trying to discover that part of me. and some strength.You walk on with your life. glancing at people who pass. but really, where is your destination? and are these people who pass, the ones who you turn a blind eye to, people who could have really changed your life? people whoo could have MADE your life. people who could BE your life? yet, you let them slip through your fingers. now you'll never know.i miss so many things. really, this is just a vent. that makes no sense.

and honey, I don't miss the kisses as much as I miss smiling. ♥