"we don't think about breathing; it just happens. so many things just happen. without our thinking or doing, or choosing. feelings in particular, just happen. we do not choose who we give our hearts to, who we take them from, who we let run through our minds. we have minimal control over who enters and leaves our lives, when we fall, when we rise, when we stop breathing.
we control the small things, which account in the bigger pictures. our smiles, our words, our secrets. our lies, our punishments, our footsteps."
"you keep looking at those trash class girls who hike up their skirts for a quickie in the bathroom before they pour another cheap vodka and mix their liquor with empty promises. they press their cigarettes to they're bright pink lips and suck the life out of nicotine love affairs just like they sucked your soul for ten minutes in a graffitied cubicle. cool, a quick fix. but don't pretend you don't want something more. i won't sell myself out for you. i won't giggle and twirl my hair around my finger for your attention. but i will love you. i will cherish you. i'll be the one you can confide in. the one you can trust and rely upon."
- Drunken Thoughts.
it's been a year so far of density, butterflies and smiles. lies, drugs, dilemmas, alcohol and headaches. musical brilliance, new friendships and photographs. finding myself, travelling a pathway to happiness. failure, medical talk, complication, suicide. family gathering, questions, tears. I've lost some, i've won some. i've won some keepers. loss isn't an issue when you win some i guess. ups and downs, rising and falling. seperation and togetherness. there's been alot going on really. the goods out-weigh the bads in a sense, but that one thing is nagging my brain. we'll leave that out for now.
i'm continuing to learn. i'm learning one of my biggest lessons yet, and i owe endless thanks to a few of my friends i'll keep nameless for now.
the lesson learnt was about the heart and soul, and ourselves as beings. i believe we all have wells in our hearts. some people live their lives with half filled wells. however, few manage to learn about their wells and what they need to fill them. my wells began to fill one night when i was guided to discover a part of my soul i'd been trying to name for many years now. i wish i could properly describe exactly what happened, but words honestly fail me. i couldn't help but cry of happiness. i can garuntee it was the best feeling of my life, hands down. i smiled a smile i had lost a few years ago, and i now keep that smile in the palm of my hand, ready to plant on my face when the need arises. my wells are filling, fast. however there's this one well that i'm not sure what to fill with. a friend and i have been discussing the possibilities for a while now, and i've come to a few conclusions, but i am yet undecided as to what it is. i have taken it my responsibility to help as many people as i can fill the wells in their hearts, because i've never felt so almost full in my life. the journey is never complete though, because it's a life long comittment. i'm not even sure any of this makes sense, however i think a few will understand semi what i'm rabbling on about. i hope everyone can take a slight understanding in what i'm getting at here; find what you need in life to make you truly happy. never give up on the journey. it's difficuly, energy consuming and neverending. but i will trade you my wells if you find it not worth it in the end. you might just be stuck at the bottom of a well, and i'm throwing you a rope to climb out. take it and make life what you want it to be.
